VIP Vasectomy Weekend. That’s right, fellas—when you’re truly, finally ready to cut the cord and call it quits on kids forever, the best and only way to go is to proudly cross the River Zero Sperm with a weekend that begins and ends with everything and anything that makes you happy. 

Every VIP Vasectomy Weekend should begin at the end of the week. Book your vasectomy for the very last appointment a urologist has: Friday at 5 p.m. Why? It’s the beginning of the weekend, silly, and nothing stands in your way until Monday. 

Next, choose a urologist who not only knows what the hell he’s doing (duh!), but who is also so damn entertaining and hilarious that he makes you laugh during the procedure. That’s exactly what I did when I booked my guy, Jay Lutins, MD, urologist at the Center of Urologic Care in Pittsburgh. Here’s how damn funny Lutins is: Banana Don (I know, I know), a Pittsburgh morning radio DJ, had Lutins do his vasectomy live. On air.

MALE MUST HAVES

But really, how funny can a urologist really be? Right after he cauterized my vas deferens, a puff of smoke from his surgical gun rose in the air from what I considered to be my holiest shrine in the world: my testicles. Lutins, seeing my surprise and concern about smoke rising slowly from my balls, stared into my eyes behind his surgical mask to calm me. I then saw a big smile forming underneath the mask, from which came this punch line: “Well, guess we have a new pope.” 

If you’re curious, this is essentially what happened during the vasectomy: Lutins localized the anesthetic, injecting it into my testicles. Pain-wise, this was most intense moment—when the needle pierced the skin—but he was gentle and slowly worked in the anesthetic so that I only felt pressure after a few seconds. Anesthetizing takes about 90 seconds. Then he made a single incision and felt for my vas deferens (he joked that it felt like a “banjo string” which “clearly had a lot of practice”). He then cut it and sealed the ends with heat. The scar tissue from the cauterization is what blocks the tubes.

When your vasectomy, which usually takes just 15 to 30 minutes, is finally over, your weekend is not at all about having a bag of peas on your lap. Nope, for me, it was all about margaritas and the best guacamole I’ve ever tasted at an amazing Mexican restaurant in the “Burgh” as I began my exciting new journey along the Childless Freedom Trail.

The following day, my VIP Vasectomy Weekend continued all day and into the night watching college football. I took a few breaks now and then with an occasional leisurely walk (don’t dare run, fellas) just to make sure everything felt and moved right. It did. The frozen peas? I put ’em back in the freezer. Sure, I faced a little pain, but nothing two Advils couldn’t handle.

Here’s the thing that I really didn’t need, ever again: more children. Don’t get me wrong—I have two amazing, wonderful boys who make me proud to be a papa every single day. But I don’t want any more. Zero. Zilch. The End. So getting a vas’ was the best decision I’ve ever made. Yet there are plenty of guys out there who don’t want more kids, but are so scared of getting snipped that they’re willing to gamble by shooting live ammo. They’re idiots.

Lutins couldn’t agree more. “There’s no reason why men should be on a Russian roulette wheel worrying if they are going to get their partners pregnant every time they have sex,” he says. “Men should get a vasectomy because it is very effective and durable. If he is in a relationship, it is so much easier for a man to get [sterilized] than a woman, who has to go through a much more involved procedure, [and allow] her to avoid taking additional medications or placing devices within her body.”

So why are guys so damn scared of getting it done? “Most patients fear the needle, which is placed into the scrotum to numb the area,” Lutins says. “Some patients fear that they will lose their interest in sex or that the ejaculate will change significantly. Neither of these is true.”

Complications aren’t something to be afraid of, either. “There can be rare complications with a vasectomy, which can include swelling, prolonged bruising, wound infections or prolonged soreness,” according to Lutins. For me, I had a bruised scrotum for a good week or two. As for the post-procedural pain, it did feel a little different down there (like my testicles had been offset somehow) for a few weeks, but it eventually felt completely back to normal. And since I didn’t really have any pain, I was able to have sex right away (though Lutins recommended to wait a few days before deciding if I was up to it). The great part is that sex was never painful.

But let’s get back to the VIP Vasectomy Weekend, shall we? It’s common knowledge in the urology universe that vasectomies spike during major sporting events—March Madness, The Masters, NBA, MLB and NFL playoffs—simply so men can stay out of work and watch the games. For me, given that I was in Pittsburgh and all, I picked the Steelers vs. Ravens Sunday night premiere game for my VIP Vasectomy Weekend. Did I go? Hell to the yeah! I was right there, cheering on the black and gold Steel Curtain after enjoying a full-on BBQ tailgate bash. And guess who was sitting next to me at kickoff?

Yep. Lutins himself.

Three months later, when the time finally arrived for me to find out if I had any sperm swimmers left, the big “zero” came back on my sperm analysis report. All the plumbing worked exactly like it did before, and all I was finally left with was the happy memory of the best VIP Vasectomy Weekend ever.