You’re not alone in the sexless relationship department. According to Newsweek, 15 to 20% of American couples live in relationships that have very little to no intimacy. Sometimes it’s not because there’s anything wrong with your relationship; couples experience stagnation, which sees them lose interest in being intimate with one another.
So should you call it quits? If your relationship is healthy in other aspects other than sex, we would think you should first try these tips to get the bedroom up to a steamy tempo.
Pay attention and be in the present
Often couples fall out of sync with one another. One prime reason is failing to be in the present moment when together. We’re often distracted by life’s stresses, technology, friends and family, especially the things they have that we don’t. And when we do some introspection, we always feel there is something lacking, which can be projected onto our significant others.
The secret to this is to always be in the present when you’re with your partner. Try as much as possible to get rid of any distractions. When it’s date night, for example, only allow important calls and notifications (i.e. an emergency: your dog bit the neighbour), to interrupt you. Trivial things (such as final game scores, trending topics on Twitter, Instagram selfies, a Facebook engagement announcement and Dad asking you what the difference between a hashtag and asterisks is) can wait.
Remember to say what you love about your partner often. Compliment them regularly to make them feel their own sensuality.
Learn your partner
There are so many articles that teach us about the best sex technique (i.e. use your lips on their neck to get them aroused), but your best teacher is your partner. We’re all aroused by different things. That’s why your last S/O got a literal kick when you pulled out the whip and your current S/O hates it. This is where communication comes into the picture.
Before being intimate, ask your partner to respond to your every move. This can be through speech and, if you’re doing it really well, groans and moans. It’s also essential that you both realise that none of you are the Wonder Woman(s) or Superman(s) of the sheets. In other words, be honest about what you don’t enjoy and let your partner know it’s not because they’re bad in bed.
The idea is to allow you and your partner to guide each other through your experiences, allowing you to remember what you both love the most. Sex is not a one-size-fits-all, and you’ll reap the rewards when you put that into your sex regimen.
Explore more than just your mission’s objectives
Sex isn’t at all what it looks like in the movies. It’s rather clumsy at times, and graceful as you get used to the techniques. Knowing this allows you to explore more than just the middling moves you’re used to. This is because you learn that it’s not because you’re not good at playing doctor, doctor, but it takes practice.
Just as you begin to explore other sexual techniques and roleplaying, you’ll also find out how it could be, for example, on a sofa, by the pool while the stars are out, or in the back of your car – naughty, naughty. If the sofa is too small and sends you both tumbling off, that’s a lesson to try it on the kitchen counter next time, or get a bigger couch. FYI: shower sex scenes from movies are a lie!
Lastly, learn to laugh at sexual mishaps that might happen. It makes the act less embarrassing, and encourages you to find the humour in your sexual desires. We think it beats feeling embarrassed and losing interest.
Timing isn’t everything
Don’t be the couple that tries to orgasm at the same time. Other times it will work and on those terrible days it won’t. Remember those distractions. Even if you’re not physically distracted, there’s plenty of outward/inward factors that could reduce or increase the time it takes for both of you to climax. You must be patient with one another when this happens.
What’s more, the one who finishes first must still finish the job. If you’re a guy, your partner can still orgasm through multiple means other than your appendage.
Don’t force it
If one of you is not in the mood, then neither one of you should be disappointed. You or your partner mustn’t expect the other to be aroused because you are. This can make sex feel like a chore. Rather save it and find ways both of you can get in the mood. What’s more, keep communicating so that you know the reasons why you’re not in sync. Often we think our partners are not in the mood because they’ve lost interest in us when in actual fact they just need to stop drinking too much whisky, for example.
Leave room for much needed spontaneity
The biggest threat to your sex life is drudgery. Chores are acts you do repeatedly, and a relationship (the sex especially) shouldn’t be a routine.
It should be an adventurous, evolving and spontaneous act that makes you look forward to it every time. This is because even though you’re not expecting it (or are slightly expecting it), you know it’s going to be good when it happens.
Well, because you’re going to do it differently, at differentiating intensities, in various locations, (maybe even) using accessories and aren’t going to shy away from trying anything new that might spark more sexual desire.